Good-byes can be painful...

First FF q q

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 14:41:09 GMT

Title: One step closer
Chapter: Oneshot
Author:
Genre: angst, drama, death
Warnings: None? xDD''
Rating: PG?
Pairings: UruhaxKai
Summary: "But I’m alone here. However.. I’m totally alone anyway. I’ve got no one. I even lost you, although I could have avoided that."
Disclaimer: ~~Uruha and Kai totally belong to me. At the moment they're in my bed and waiting for me to come join them :D~~ They only belong to themselves x x
Comments: Written/Translated for nashi_kanata <3~ And... First time writing in english .-. Not too good, I know < < I'm way better in German u u

Now I’m standing here at one of my most favorite places. Around me nothing but cliffs, beneath me the wide black ocean and untouched nature. Above me the dark blue sky with the only light coming from the millions of sparkling, beautiful stars. This picture in front of me is really breath taking.
This night would be the perfect night if you wanted to come here with a person you like or even love.

But I’m alone here. However.. I’m totally alone anyway. I’ve got no one. I even lost you, although I could have avoided that.
Now it’s too late.
I take a step closer to the edge of the cliff and stare out onto the wide ocean. Only a few more steps and I would lose the ground beneath my feet, would fall and most likely die as soon as I hit the water. But oh well. It’s not like anyone would care about it anyway now, was it? I don’t want to live alone. I just can’t. My biggest fear was to be all alone in the end. And that’s exactly what happened.
I lost my family first, haven’t talked to them in years. Then I lost all of my friends quite a while ago. All that only because of a stupid misunderstanding. The only one that was left.. was you.. You comforted me when I had yet another breakdown, held me in your arms when I cried my self to sleep once again. You were always on my side when I needed you.

Then one of the worst things that could happen happened to me. I feel in love with you.. Day after day I needed you even more, wanted you by my side, and only by my side. I truly hate feelings. You can’t control them, nor can you suppress them without being eaten up by them. So after a few months I finally had the courage to tell you that you were more than only a friend.
You weren’t sure what to answer without hurting me. You lowered your gaze and told me you had to figure out your own feelings first, had to think about being able to give it a try or not.

After that you kept your distance to me until I barely saw you anymore. At the beginning I still waited and hoped, but the days went by and nothing happened.

Now I escaped to this place and I’m still only a few more steps away from the edge of the cliff.
I actually never was the type of guy who saw this as a way out. But now I see no other choice.. I just can’t take this loneliness anymore.

As soon as you left me all my self-confidence went with you and instead self-hatred started to spread inside of me. Self-hatred, because I lost everything that ever was important to me. Self-hatred, because I myself was fault for everything that happened. Self-hatred, because everything is the way it is.

And now.. I couldn’t find anyone else anyway. Because you just can’t truly love someone if you can’t even love yourself. If you hate yourself instead and don’t appreciate yourself. It’s just impossible.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Only a few more minutes then everything will have an end and I will be free of all of this…Again, I look down on the ocean and a small but sad smile lies on my lips.

Then I suddenly hear someone behind me calling my name. I turn around, confused, and search for the voice calling me, only to see you running towards me. What do you want here? Why now? So near to the end..

I lower my gaze as you arrive and don‘t dare to look up at you, don’t want to anyway…
But I feel your arms wrapping around me and you holding me tight. I close my eyes and enjoy this moment. Every single time you hold me like this just makes me feel so safe and comfortable.
Tears start to slowly run down my cold cheeks und I burry my face in your chest so you don’t have to see this.
You stroke my back comforting and stay silent. We’re standing like this for a few minutes, which feel like hours to me, and don’t say a word... I just enjoy your presence and being near you. After all.. I don’t know how long you will still be that near.

Most likely you’re only here to keep me from doing something stupid. And as soon as I am back home you will leave again. And I will be alone. Again. And I can’t even be mad at you about that. I wouldn’t want to stay longer than necessary near me either.

Then you look at me. I can read in your eyes that you’re sad and even hurt. I can imagine the reason why.. Of course you’re disappointed of me, because I’m so weak. Because I throw my life away. But I don’t care. Not anymore.

I hear you sigh and you want to say something, but there’s no sound coming from your lips. It takes another moment but then you take another try and I can hear your voice. It sounds shaky and insecure, just not like you..
But what you’re saying is so unbelievable.. You say you thought about everything. About me, you, your feelings.. Just everything.
And after a while you supposedly have noticed that there was something.. That you do feel something for me. But you weren’t sure und that was the reason why you kept your distance to me. Now you knew it. Now you were sure that you really loved me.

Once again I lower my gaze. What if you’re just saying, but not meaning it? What if you’re just saying it to keep me from doing this? What if this is just a stupid lie?

I close my eyes for a short moment and then I look up. Right into your eyes. Try to see if you’re lying, but you’re not.. Your eyes are telling the truth and so are you. I smile a bit and can’t really believe it. My heart starts pounding. It’s actually to good to be true, but it is..

Then you want to wrap your arms around me again but I hear something crack beneath me. I lower my gaze and try to see what it was, but I don’t see anything. I shake my head and look back at you. At the same moment it cracks again and I start losing the ground beneath my feet. Then I feel like I’m falling. No.. I’m not only feeling like it; I am.

I look up at you, helpless. Your face is filled with fear, but you react in the same moment and stretch out your hand to reach for me.
But it’s too late. I’ve already fallen to deep and you can’t reach me anymore..

Why? Why does everything go wrong? Now you confessed to me that you also love me and it could have been so damn great.. Why am I still falling?

I look up at you again for a last time. Then I close my eyes so I don’t have to see your gaze. Even if I won’t be able to remember it in a few seconds anyway.

Once again tears are streaming down my cheeks.
I’m sorry Uruha.

I should have never come here. I should have never thought about killing myself. I should have just waited…

Then a throbbing pain fills my body. I snap my eyes wide open only to see my vision slowly fading and soon turning completely black.

I love you.

Sayonara

Gazetto Meme XD

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:22:08 GMT

Yay XD
Jinny's back
+cough+
And yeah..
With a meme |D
I was so totally bored >x<
Still 3 1/2 weeks to here in Ireland..
And it's so gaddamn boring T____T

1. Name
Jinny..Well Stephanie, but I’m only being called Jinny xD

2. Birthplace
Florida, USA >x< But I live in germany xD

3. How long have you been a Gazette fan?
Uhm.. 1 ½ Years

4. How did you first come across Gazette?
Eh..o-o’
I think it was a friend which forced me to read a FF xD

5. Who's your favourite member?
Kai,Kai,Kai >.< Even though I love all of them <3

6. What do you like about your favourite member:
His smile and the way he plays drums *-*

7. Something you don't know, but would like to know about that member:
Eh..o_O
I don’t know XD
I guess I would ask spontaneously

8. Which of the members have you written letters or fanmail to?
None

9. Something about you that changed when you became a fan of Gazette:
Uhm..oo
My appearance XD
Besides that, my whole attitude and uhm..I don’t know..a lot changed~
But not only because of Gazetto XD

10. Your favourite Gazette song and why:
Not easy..But I guess it’s Cassis – because it really reminds me of a lot of goog things. Besides, it always calms me down xD

11. The song you'd like to hear most at lives:
Eh o-o Good one oO Since I’ve already heard my favs. besides Cassis, I would take Cassis here too
Oh and Defective Tragedy~
And RWTR of course >_<

12. The song you listen to when you feel down or sad:
Defective Tragedy, Reila, Calm Envy, People Error..but still depends on why I’m sad

13. When you are ill, the song that makes you feel better:
Dunno >x<

14. The song you listen to when you are happy:
Linda, Linda XDD~

15. The song which influenced you the most:
D.L.N

16. The first Gazette song you ever heard:
Can't truly remember, but I think it was Cassis or Silly God Disco

17. Is there a song you can sing perfectly without having to look at the lyrics?
Chizuru, Cassis, Defective Tragedy, Guren, D.L.N, Bath Room and so on xD'

18. A Gazette song you'd like to sing at Karaoke:
Eh..oO
Linda, Linda!! XDD

19. Have you seen Gazette live?
Yep~
21.10.07 in Cologne

20. If you have, what were your thoughts? If you haven't, are you planning on attending a live and how?
First I couldn't think anything, because I was so tired XD
Bat afterwards: simply awesome.

21. At violent Gazette lives, where do you always stand? Or if you haven't been, where would you like to stand?
I was in the first line..on..I think the left xD
But I think I would prefer the middle >x<
I haven't seen Uruha that good, besides the one time when he was right infront of me ._.
And Aoi and Reita kept on standing infront of Kai Òó

22. What style do you (or would you like to) attend Gazette lives in? (Clothes, make-up, etc)
My normal Visual Kei Style xD'

23. Name a few necesseties for attending a Gazette live:
Concert Tickets! XD

24. Do you (or would you) always fill out the after-live questionnaire?
Why not xD

25. Something you've started collecting because of Gazette:
Japanese Magazines |D''

26. Which Gazette costume series do you like most?
Eh...
Ruki: The newest Photoshot in the Fools Mate <3
Uruha: Silly God Disco xD
Kai: Also the newest *__* But I also love his Chizuru Style *Q*
Reita: Also Silly God Disco
Aoi: Shadow XI II I

27. One item you like in Gazette's goods range: (Or if you don't own any, one thing you'd like to have)
Eh..oO
I like a lot of things >_<

28. Your cellphone's ringtone:
Text Message: Guren
Phone Call: Depends on the person who calls but I think it's Kugutsu x3~

29. Your cellphone's wallpaper:
Kai XD

30. Cellphone strap:
Don't like them >x<

31. PC wallpaper:
Well..I had KaixUruha for about 5 Months XDD
But now I've finally changed to all of them ^^'

32. Does your email address have something to do with Gazette?
Nope.

33. A place you go to frequently:
Eh..my PC, my bed? XD

34. Your favourite shop:
Stoffwechsel *_*, OCS

35. Your favourite CD shop:
Uhm..oO
Order them online most of the time XD

36. A magazine you read frequently:
o-o''
Eh..Shoxx..before I left for Ireland XD

37. Recommended CD:
Actually a stupid question XD~

38: Do you have pets?
One cat named Kitty XD
And 2 Ferrets without name, because you just can't see a difference between them

39. Do you visit the Gazette OHP frequently? Which page within do you visit the most?
Nah
I think that would be Animexx

40. An artist other than Gazette who you think is noteworthy:
girugamesh, MUCC, Versailles, AnCafe, Exilia ...

41. An artist you like out of those signed to PS Company:
Uhm...o-o
Alice Nine? I just don't listen to them to often xD'

42. A member whose words you were surprised by: (in a magazine article, MC, radio show etc)
Uhm..Kai xD
because he say's hes not to inteligent XD~

43. If you could become one of the members for a day, who would you become and why?
..o-o''
Ruki xD
So I can see what's going on in his mind and why he can write such awesome lyrics >x<

44. If the world ceased to exist tomorrow, which member would you like to spend your last day with?
All ;_; But if I really have to chose..Kai

45. Which member would you like to go to karaoke with?
Uruha definitely XDD~

46. Which member would you like to go drinking with?
I don't drink |D
So..Uruha, because he does..
So I could watch him and laugh about the stuff he does |D

47. Which member would you like to go to an oshare bar with?
Eh..o_O
Not sure..
But I think Aoi would spazz totally
So I guess him XD

48. Which member would you like to cook for?
I can't cook..so..XD

49. Please arrange the members according to who you think would change the most when drunk (least changed to most changed):
Ruki, Uruha, Reita, Kai, Aoi? I don't know q.q

50. Please arrange the members according to who you think would make the longest telephone calls from shortest to longest:
Reita, Aoi, Ruki ,Uruha, Kai

51. If you had to substitute in a Gazette live, which part would you choose to play?
DRUMS >_<!!! So..Kai xD

52. One thing you like about Gazette (physical):
Uhm..Everything XD'?

■RUKI SERIES■

53. Your first impression about Ruki: Uhm..wtf? Smaaall O_O
54. What name do you call him by? Ruki xD'
55. Are you good at drawing? Nja~
56. Have you fallen off of a jungle gym? If I knew what that was..XD
57. If Ruki were really your brother, friend, lover etc, how would you feel? As friend/brother..I think he would be awesome to talk to..

■URUHA SERIES■

58.Your first impression about Uruha: Wow o-o
59. What name do you call him by? Uruha, Uru, Ruru
60. Did you know at first that his name was pronounced "Uruha"? Eh..Yes? XD'
61. Do you gargle every day? No o-o'
62. If Uruha were really your brother, friend, lover etc, how would you feel? Either way, I would still think he's totally hot XD~

■AOI SERIES■

63. Your first impression about Aoi: Dork?
64. What name do you call him by? Aoi xD'
65. Do you have a lip/navel piercing? Yeah, Lip Piercing
66. Were you born in the city? Nah, Avon park is no City I think xD'
67. If Aoi were really your brother, friend, lover etc, how would you feel? Hm..I don't know xD But I think it would be fun~ No matter what

■REITA SERIES■ (I'm sure you've all been waiting for this!)

68. Your first impression about Reita: Wtf is that Nosething supposed to mean oô?
69. What name do you call him by? Reita xD'
70. What do you call the thing he wears on his nose? Well.. in German it's ' Nasentanga' xD
71. Out of the Shinkansen, which do you think is the fastest? What? o 0
72. If Reita were really your brother, friend, lover etc, how would you feel? I don't know XD

■KAI SERIES■

73. Your first impression about Kai: Not sure about him..xD'
74. What name do you call him by? Kai, Idol,
75. Are you good at cooking? Ar least my Dad is..XD
76. Where do you think the state of New Jersey is? USA oO?
77. If Kai were really your brother, friend, lover etc, how would you feel? Argh~ He would so have me xD'

---

78. Represent each member with just one or two kanji (if you don't know kanji, describe each member with just one word):
1. Ruki - Hm..mysterious XD? Can't describe him xD'
2. Aoi - Dork
3. Uruha - Linda! òó
4. Kai - Love <3
5. Reita - Cool man oô

79. Compare each member to an animal:
1. Ruki - Dragon XDDD No seriously..no idea q.q
2. Aoi - Panther
3. Uruha - Duck or Pig |D (Insider~)
4. Kai - Kitty Cat >x<
5. Reita - Care Bear! (The grumpy one XDD)

80. Compare each member to a colour:
Ruki - White
Aoi - Green oO Don't know why XD
Uruha - Purple
Kai - Yellow
Reita - Dark red

81. According to you, Gazette is:
<3

82. Your expectations from now on for Gazette:
To stay as they are Òó

83. Lastly, a word to fellow Dainihon Itan Geisha!
..Hi o-o?

Friends Only~ vòÓ

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 23:49:06 GMT

If you want to be my friend,just comment ^^
But be sure that we have at least a few things in common ,and you're on once in a while..